Oh Those Balls

I long for his touch, his hand upon mine.

My miami jew, his fro so divine.

He plays in a band, I go every week

To steal a glance is all that I seek.

He's a conspiracy theorist
Pianist extreme
He is my own inappropriate meme
I can never forget how he made my heart skip
When onto my boyfriend’s face he did dip
Those balls.
Oh what balls.
I’ll never forget
It was only a few months after we met.
And now til forever, I’ll swoon from afar
And wallow in pity, alone at a bar.
For I know
yes I know
It never can be.
He’s meant for a fat girl, and never for me.

Conspiracy Theory 1: The Kenney Assassination

Evan makes suspiciously well-informed arguments when discussing key historical events (like September 11th or the Kennedy assassination). He appears to understand the truth behind major incidences that the rest of the public cannot comprehend. Some (those perhaps, with a less astute eye) might assume that Evan believes in conspiracy theories. They don't know the truth. Evan doesn't just question conspiracies...

Evan is PART OF THEM.

Incredibly astute research and photo analysis has revealed that Evan is, in fact, a major part of several conspiracies that have unfolded over decades.

Evidence of his role follows

PHOTO 1: Kennedy Assassination

No, Evan is not the "black umbrella" man. Look closer, into the shadows. Could that be a perfectly styled hairdo in the grassy knoll? We have found our second shooter, looking dapper in the shade...

Things Evan Ignatz has taught me - Part 1

Eurotrash is the new hipster.

4 synths is better than one. Each one is unique, like a delicate snowflake.

Growing chest hair in the form of a bat signal on your chest is a great way to impress the ladies.

Searching for the absolute perfect patch for a song is more important than hitting correct notes, any day.

Always be ready for a government takeover. Guns? Check. Gold? Check. Precious jewels? Check. Abundant supply of condoms to comfort the frightened masses? Double check.

It's not at all mutually exclusive to be a badass and drive a prius. No, seriously.

Don't attempt to make sweet love to tall females in the doggystyle position.

A Simple Ode