Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Conspiracy Theory 5: Area 51
PHOTO 5: Area 51
Evan hasn't just MET aliens. He was giving this one his phone number.
Truly, these photos raise more questions than they answer. Who is this elusive young man? What will he do next? One can only speculate...
Evan hasn't just MET aliens. He was giving this one his phone number.
Truly, these photos raise more questions than they answer. Who is this elusive young man? What will he do next? One can only speculate...
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Footprints, Second Edition
Evan had yet to finish unpacking his worldly possessions when the courier arrived with a telegram from God Himself. “It’s urgent”, the courier said. “God requests your presence now.” Evan thought it quite strange that an eternal being would be such a stickler for time, but he obliged, and while considering grabbing his coat, realized the weather is always a sunny 70 degrees, walked to meet Him.
God was seated on the front steps of the grand hall, impatiently tapping his foot and humming Thriller. He arose and smiled as Evan and the courier approached, clearly excited for their arrival. “I’m glad you could finally make it. I’ve been building this for years.”, God said, as they came within earshot. He hopped down and extended a hand to Evan. “Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Ignatz, allow me to show you to your eternity.”
As they walked down the long corridor, there were many labeled rooms. One for “Art”, another “Music”. Another was labeled “Philosophy”. Evan was curious; “God, what’s the deal with all these labeled doors?”
“Ahh, my child, “ he replied. “This is the heaven that has been custom created for you. I’m sure you’ve heard people tell you your entire life on earth, ‘Oh, there’s a special place in hell for people like you’. Well, that was just my idea of a joke, because all of your existence on earth was really just a temporary housing while I finished up my work here for you.” God made a point of using finger quotes when he mentioned temporary housing. “Think of it as my way of testing out all of the things I thought I’d want to include up here. I named it Heaven for a reason. People down there just can’t seem to spell.”
“So lemme get this straight,” Evan said. “I get to live here and get the best of earth?”.
God replied, “Oh no. This world is yours to rule. Allow me to show you the Earthly things that I have summoned for you.” And with that they approached the door marked “Music”. “Six years ago I summoned for you a Mr. Robert Moog. I have kept him as my slave, forcing him to craft for you the finest of musical synthesis instruments. They are all vintage, all analog, and whenever you want a new musical partner to jam with, just give me a ring and I’ll work some ahem mysterious ways and they will be yours to do what you will with.”
Evan was excited at the prospect of having any musician he wanted on call, but wanted to see what was in the other rooms. Evan stopped at the room marked “Hockey”, and peaked his head in. A blustery wind hit his face, and he could smell the dry ice air. “I was particularly proud of this one,” God boasted. “I scoured the earth for the best ice, but I was having trouble finding some decent players you could play with that most people wouldn’t miss, so I summed you an entire KHL team.” And with that, Evan was holding his very own personalized Lokomotiv jersey, finely stitched with his name and number.
Evan was too overwhelmed to speak, and he stumbled out and into another door marked “Carnal Pleasures”.
God was seated on the front steps of the grand hall, impatiently tapping his foot and humming Thriller. He arose and smiled as Evan and the courier approached, clearly excited for their arrival. “I’m glad you could finally make it. I’ve been building this for years.”, God said, as they came within earshot. He hopped down and extended a hand to Evan. “Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Ignatz, allow me to show you to your eternity.”
As they walked down the long corridor, there were many labeled rooms. One for “Art”, another “Music”. Another was labeled “Philosophy”. Evan was curious; “God, what’s the deal with all these labeled doors?”
“Ahh, my child, “ he replied. “This is the heaven that has been custom created for you. I’m sure you’ve heard people tell you your entire life on earth, ‘Oh, there’s a special place in hell for people like you’. Well, that was just my idea of a joke, because all of your existence on earth was really just a temporary housing while I finished up my work here for you.” God made a point of using finger quotes when he mentioned temporary housing. “Think of it as my way of testing out all of the things I thought I’d want to include up here. I named it Heaven for a reason. People down there just can’t seem to spell.”
“So lemme get this straight,” Evan said. “I get to live here and get the best of earth?”.
God replied, “Oh no. This world is yours to rule. Allow me to show you the Earthly things that I have summoned for you.” And with that they approached the door marked “Music”. “Six years ago I summoned for you a Mr. Robert Moog. I have kept him as my slave, forcing him to craft for you the finest of musical synthesis instruments. They are all vintage, all analog, and whenever you want a new musical partner to jam with, just give me a ring and I’ll work some ahem mysterious ways and they will be yours to do what you will with.”
Evan was excited at the prospect of having any musician he wanted on call, but wanted to see what was in the other rooms. Evan stopped at the room marked “Hockey”, and peaked his head in. A blustery wind hit his face, and he could smell the dry ice air. “I was particularly proud of this one,” God boasted. “I scoured the earth for the best ice, but I was having trouble finding some decent players you could play with that most people wouldn’t miss, so I summed you an entire KHL team.” And with that, Evan was holding his very own personalized Lokomotiv jersey, finely stitched with his name and number.
Evan was too overwhelmed to speak, and he stumbled out and into another door marked “Carnal Pleasures”.
“I know that it may seem like I’m a stickler for sex related stuff, but it’s really only the gays that give me the heebies.” God said. “But I think you’ll like this none the less. Allow me to present to you the finest sampling of women I could find. And for you they are in endless supply, for as long as there are irresponsible teenagers drinking at prom, I will always find a way to bring them to you. My greatest gift to you, Mr. Ignatz, is an endless supply of idealistic and nubile teenage girls. Do you see how their parents mourn? This, I care not about. I am only here to serve you.”
Evan, perplexed at this last statement, finally spoke. “What do you mean, serve me? Aren’t you God?”. “Nay,” God replied, I am but one God. You are the ruler of this world, for you shunned your old ways and wed one of my people... the good people of the Mormon faith. She will come here to rule with you eventually, but until then, enjoy the pleasures which I have created for you.”
And with that, God was gone, and Evan began his rule.
Evan, perplexed at this last statement, finally spoke. “What do you mean, serve me? Aren’t you God?”. “Nay,” God replied, I am but one God. You are the ruler of this world, for you shunned your old ways and wed one of my people... the good people of the Mormon faith. She will come here to rule with you eventually, but until then, enjoy the pleasures which I have created for you.”
And with that, God was gone, and Evan began his rule.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Slicker Than Snot
Can't really remember when I didn't knew
the sight or sound of this wild haired jew
stared in revulsion at this gigolo hunting buffalo
although… I heard he once skin dipped with A Ho
But whatevs, it's all good - that's not what I'm here for
I want to hear the sound that makes the booty drop down PAST the floor
And see the drunken offerings coming to the stage just begin' for more
He can just go down the aisle and see with whom he wants to score
Now there are a few stories that need to be told
About this chosen one talking about who he'd bang in front of a 12 year old
A drunken night spent in the middle of ancient trees and aging mold
But who knew this dude was the goose that laid the eggs of gold
And need I remind you his great grandfather killed a giant with a fucking sling-shot?
And one of his other grandfathers gave some of what the haves have to the have-nots?
Honestly I think this is all that I got - cause this ain't my lot
But the licks this jewden lays are slicker than snot
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Conspiracy Theory 4: Paul McCartney is Dead
PHOTO 4: Paul McCartney is dead: Evan replaced him.
Ever wonder why the Beatles remained so awesome in their later years, singing about trippy things? Evan still moonlights as McCartney and was the inspiration behind "I am the Walrus", "Yellow Submarine", and strangely, "Helter Skelter".
Ever wonder why "Paul McCartney" ended up marrying an amputee? Evan is into some freaky shit. This photo, taken right before the transition, illustrates Evan's close ties to the fab four.
Ever wonder why the Beatles remained so awesome in their later years, singing about trippy things? Evan still moonlights as McCartney and was the inspiration behind "I am the Walrus", "Yellow Submarine", and strangely, "Helter Skelter".
Ever wonder why "Paul McCartney" ended up marrying an amputee? Evan is into some freaky shit. This photo, taken right before the transition, illustrates Evan's close ties to the fab four.
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