Evan's Favorite Color!

Conspiracy Theory 3: 9/11

PHOTO 3: 9/11

No, Evan was not in Manhattan, nor in DC. He was too close to the project to risk being near the detonations. Instead, the mastermind was placed among students (a particularly dastardly decision, considering his Penn State ties) while President Bush read to the class. "My Pet Goat"? More like "My Pet Sheep".

Evan 4 EVA

Conspiracy Theory 2 : Faked "Moon Landing"

PHOTO 2: Faked "Moon Landing"

Evan's role in the staged moon landing is yet to be determined: one common theory is that he provided soothing background music to "astronaut" actors. This enhanced photo reveals that the moon's "surface" was, in fact, a slippery set piece and an opportunity for Evan to practice skating during film breaks.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: This is also unquestionable evidence that we should not support a space program that never actually got us to the moon in the first place.]

The Monogamous Weak

In faith, I do not dream of shared desire
With one so free; so untarnished and wild;
Unburdened by morals, ethics defiled.
But I feel in my heart, burning with fire
my passions, unrestrained, never shall tire
of Evan, my Evan, my near man-child.
Oh my love! My heart shan’t be reconciled
I love his eyes, hands, his hockey physique
(It puts to shame the monogamous weak)
I know I’ll ne’er have the loving I yearn
For he is too free, to give love in return

I see him everywhere

The Present

We met on the metro. I didn't think people actually met on the metro. I thought it was one of those romantic occurrences you only see in movies and read about in the engagement section of The Express. But there he was, 7a.m. on a Wednesday, plopping down beside me on our morning commute.

"I got you a present," he said. His luscious brown curls fell lightly on his forehead as he leaned in close.

"hmmm?" I half mumbled. I wasn't even sure if he was talking to me at first. The second he had walked into the train I had done my best to concentrate on my newspaper. I didn't want to embarrass myself with staring. When he had sat down next to me I nearly shivered with excitement.

"A present." he restated. "for you." I looked at his outreached hand and took hold of the small piece of paper he was offering. I prayed to god he couldn't see me shaking. As our fingers briefly touched I savored the tingles that ran up my arm. His hands were soft, yet strong. An artist I thought to myself or maybe a musician. I was so wrapped up in our moment of physical contact that I didn't even think to read the piece of paper I held in front of me. It took me a moment to force myself into the present. But with my recollected self, I read aloud the words before me.

"Tonight. Kettler. 1am." it said. Confused I asked "What is Kettl..."

but he was gone. The seat next to me was empty.

The day felt a million years long. I had looked up Kettler online and it seemed the only plausible location was an ice skating rink in Arlington. A skater I thought to myself No wonder he was so beautifully built. Of course I questioned the late-night encounter, but throughout the day I knew I didn't have a choice. I couldn't resist my dark haired stranger.

Night arrived. I was at the ice rink an hour early and I just stayed in my car. I checked myself in the mirror. I brushed my hair a million different ways. I would turn the radio on, then off again. Those 60 minutes seemed an eternity. But finally... it was time.

As I slowly walked up to the glass doors of the venue, I wondered if they'd even be open. It was, after all, late at night. And I wasn't even sure I was at the right place. But they opened with ease and I found myself in a dark lobby, surrounded by benches and strewn with Capitals paraphernalia. All the lights were off save for the glowing room to my left. I let myself follow the light. I walked through another set of doors and into the arena.

There he was. Standing alone in the middle of the rink. He was shirtless and the dark shadow of chest hair made a batman stamp on his manly chest. The low lights made his presence ethereal. I felt as if I'd walked into a dream. He held his hands out wide and I felt myself drifting in his direction. The slick surface beneath my feet only seemed to quicken my eager approach.

And then finally. Finally we were together. Our hands joined and we looked deep into each others eyes. "I've been waiting" he said.

"I know I..." but he stopped me short with a finger to my lips.

"Closer" he said. His arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me in tight. I started into his eyes for what seemed like an eternity. I didn't dare make the first move, but I waited in delicious anticipation of what I knew was to come. He must have known how much I was struggling with the moment, for he didn't keep me in suspense much longer. He leaned in close and our lips met. His soft lips upon mine. A connection I could have only dreamed of.

I fingered his chest hair and laid my head upon his shoulder. He held me tightly and rocked me back and forth. "I want this to last forever." he said.

The words flowed through me like a drug. I could feel every part of myself melting into his being. I didn't want a thing in the world to change. Everything was right. I looked up into his face and said the only thing in the world that mattered "I don't even know your name."

"It's Evan" he replied, as he brushed a strand of hair out of my face. "What's yours?"

I stared deeply into his eyes and leaned in closely. "Caleb. My name is Caleb."